Dear My Twin 12

 Dear My Twin,

We are finally back from our trip, and then we got sick, and now I am still a BIT sick, but not as much, and I am ready to write. 

The problem is, I have so many things to write ABOUT. 

The trip to Missouri was really great, in a vacation way, and really troubling, in a deconstruction way. 

We were in the Midwest, and there is a strong culture of "christianity" there - at least the American brand - and with it, a lot of misogyny, white supremecy, and anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes. We were there, and I decided I would NEVER live there. I would certainly never raise a girl there. 

I think even two years ago, a visit there would not have disturbed me as much, but at this point, there were so many things I can't unsee. 

My friend Sarah has pointed out that even when I watch movies for fun, I analyze everything, and she's glad she doesn't, because it takes all the fun out of it!

I can't say I disagree. It's not a lot of fun to see things, and analyze things, and be angry about things (that bit gets exhausting), and to carry space for the harm that you can't ignore. It's often very distressing. 

But I also prefer this to being ignorant. Being ignorant, would mean ignoring the harm being done. And when victims are ignored and silenced, nothing can be changed. 

Things need to change. 

I think the part that struck me the most, was the women at the wedding. I was in the wedding party, so was at the rehearsal, and there for hours before the wedding (ew), and got to see a lot of things up close and personal. 

When we went home after the rehearsal, Jordan and I talked about the women. There was something haunted about each of them. They were all frazzled, overwhelmed, and distraught. They were all ignored by their husbands. 

The whole two days, Jordan was the ONLY man who did anything helpful. The other men didn't even help their wives with their children. Everything was on the women to do and manage. Except for Jordan. Who was calmly running around, being helpful, picking up loose ends, and taking care of me. (Because he's wonderful.)

The ENTITLEMENT of these men, was so ugly to see. It became clear though, during the ceremony, and especially during the speeches, where this entitlement came from: their theology.

The dad as part of leading the ceremony (he tag teamed with the preacher), and opened with the verse from Ephesians 5:22 - a verse now infamous to me - "Husbands love your wives, and wives submit to your husbands."

Except he quoted it from the ESV, "Husbands love your wives, and wives respect your husbands."

The ESV was a commissioned translation by the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood in the late 80's early 90's, specifically to promote their view of men's patriarchal authority, and women's submissive "role." No other Bible translates that verse as respect, as it should NOT, as there's not even a word there. There's a Greek grammar thing, referring to the verb used in the verse before, about christians submitting one to another. 

Here's a podcast that goes in depth about that: https://open.spotify.com/episode/30VePi7wPzDcSeApb6Su8o?si=J2PzB730QXy3W94tWY318Q

But, it got even worse, because instead of just quoting the verse, the dad then went ON, adding to the list of things a Wife Must Do and Be as if it was part of the verse. 

It is not. 

All of the pressure to maintain the marriage, the home, to do the work and emotional labor, was put on her. It made me livid. (I fortunately didn't explode while standing up there, but my face was sure a picture!)

The other really bad part, was the speeches. When it came to the best man, he deliberately refused to speak or address Jennifer - something he voiced - and instead talked just to Seth. About how he was the "man;" he needed to "be on guard, all the time" (there's a recipe for anxiety), and this whole gross list of how He Has The Pants. All of this supported by verses taken WAY out of context, or applied, WAY out of context. There were several passages used that were written to men AND WOMEN, but these were presented as exclusively a MALE prerogative. 

It made me really unhappy. 

All of these harmful things, were presented as "THE BIBLICAL WAY," and several times, the couple were encouraged to "Keep to the BIBLE," which made me sick, because, as mentioned, the ways the Bible was being used are incredibly erroneous. They would then list all these things that you SHOULDN'T listen to, "Science, the world, pop psychology, feminism," the list went on and on. 

Any kind of critical thinking or examination was vetoed as "walking away from THE BIBLE," any kind of questioning was clearly wrong and seditious, and "leaving the faith."

The extreme ARROGANCE of assuming you have it all right, and have no need to listen to other people, or other stories, and that everything except what you believe right now, the WAY you believe right now ... is going to be wrong, I'm just ...

I'm stunned. 

How can you presume to know everything. 

Especially in a religion that also teaches we are inherently fallible, and tainted with sin in EVERYTHING we do. 

It makes no sense. 

It was like seeing a prison, with bars of Bible verses, women in chains and enslaved while men profited, and prospered as the jail wardens, not knowing they too, are enslaved. 

I just. Man. 

This idea, that when examined, is clearly a works based theology - where what you do matters, what you BELIEVE matters (which is intellectual doing), so diminishes the work of Christ. It imprisons and enslaves people, and my heart is broken, and I am angry at the injustice. 

While this definitely happens here, in the PNW, the culture of it is not mainstream. There? It was the culture. 

I could never live in such a place, and raise children. The very air is poisonous.