Dear My Twin - 07

 Dear My Twin,

The heart of abuse, is control. And the methods of abuse, build up a co-dependent relationship between abuser and victim, in very specific ways. It is a complex, and on-going series of reward and punishment behaviors that undermines the victim's ability to think independently, experience their own emotions, believe their own experiences, and entwines them completely around the abuser for any sense of self, and survival in the world.

Abuse follows specific patterns, to produce specific outcomes. As I studied abuse, to figure out what had happened to me, and my relationship with Shannon, I was horrified as the same abusive patterns I was learning became clearly reveled in the practices and theology of the Church I grew up in. 

N.B.: Not all abusers are deliberate and calculated in their abuse. Many ARE, but many are also just repeating the patterns they learned from their families of origin, patterns that effectively got their physical, emotional, and relational needs met. This awkward dichotomy is important to keep in mind, when talking about abuse. Abuela, in Encanto, is someone who clearly is not intentionally abusive, but is abusive, nevertheless. The husband in Gaslight is someone who clearly is intentionally abusive, and horrifically so. I recommend watching both films. At this point, 2/21/2022, Encanto is available on Disney+, and the 1948 version of Gaslight is available to rent for a couple bucks on several streaming platforms. 

The aspect of abuse I want to talk about today, is "NO QUESTIONS." 

The Abuser sets themselves up as the Ultimate Authority, giving themselves the final say in everything, even the victims thoughts and emotions, because they, the abuser, Is Right, and you, the lowly victim, Are Wrong. 

This is accomplished by gaslighting, and also punitive relationship practices. 

In gaslighting, the abuser will deliberately call the victim's own experiences and competency into doubt. "I never said that." When they definitely did. 
"You're being overdramatic."
"You know that's just your anxiety, right?"

These statements can also come with mocking the person, either in a way that feels like comradery joking, or devastating mocking that tears them to pieces.
"Well we all know you're useless after 8pm, so I don't pay attention to a thing you say after that!" 
"You're being ridiculous like always, if you keep this up, everyone will leave you."

When the victim pushes back, they are then subjected to punishment. This can be physical punishment, such as being struck ("I expect you to obey, first time, no questions asked! Now you're getting a spanking to teach you a lesson!"), or emotional/relational punishment, like withdrawing, or stonewalling. 

Stonewalling, by the way, is significantly more harmful than most people think or imagine. In an abusive context, where the abuser has set themselves up as the ONLY relationship in the victims life, or at least THE MOST IMPORTANT relationship, the loss of connection is devastating. When the Abuser returns to relationship (without an apology, because that would imply they were wrong), the victim is then inspired to maintain the connection no matter what, and will further sabotage themselves, internalizing the gaslighting the Abuser has done, and gaslighting themselves. 

"God said it; I believe it; that settles it!" is an example of this power dynamic that has entered into Evangelicalism. It is used to justify everything from Biblical literalism, which frankly, that is just garbage. When you haven't been indoctrinated with that from birth, a QUICK skim of the Bible quickly shows it cannot POSSIBLY be all literally true. I feel uncomfortable - STILL - writing that, but that is just FACT. Too many parts are metaphor, or prophecy, or recorded history, or just MYSTERIOUSLY WEIRD, and there is no person who consistently applies Biblical literalism in their practice. This does NOT, however, mean the Bible is not "true," in a bigger, and frankly, more accurate, sense. 

This sort of attitude is pervasive through Evangelical Christianity. We actively avoid questions, and putting ourselves in situations with questions we can't answer. That's why there's such a fear of Universities, science, debate, etc. unless we are absolutely certain we can rebut every question. 

This idea - "don't question God" - is incredibly relationally unhealthy, abusive, and is not upheld in the Bible, anywhere. The Psalms are full of questioning God. Abraham, questioning God about Sodom & Gomorrah, "WHAT IF THERE'S ONLY TEN RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE?!"

But it is preached thoroughly in evangelicalism. 

It is preached as a way to justify political practices and beliefs the church upholds without questioning if these practices are best for the community as a whole, or even EFFECTIVE, or - dare I turn this phrase to my own particular use, Biblical? 

It is preached as a way to keep women from questioning the status quo of their abusive marriages, or the limitations placed on their ability to serve in the church. 

It is preached as a way to keep hurting people swallowing their feelings, because the tragedies in their life are somehow "God's will," and you can't question God. So swallow those feelings, bury them deep; if you don't, you could wind up in Hell. 

All of this turns God into an abusive monster, who is not interested in relationship, but interested in maintaining power, hierarchy, authority, and false adulation from a terrified people who don't dare even think a question. 

This attitude is not ubiquitous across Christianity. Judaism, the faith and people God first revealed Himself to, practices and believes in questioning God! It's a relationship, after all, and God has some explaining to do!

There's even an entire song in Fidder on the Roof where Tevye actively questions "WHY AM I NOT WEATHY?" 

Open questions do not destroy a relationship. They allow for deeper knowing and growth together. 

Enforced silence and unquestioning obedience does. 

It's time to ask the question, is Christianity the relationship we say it is.