Dear My Twin - 03

 Dear My Twin, 

On re-reading what I wrote yesterday (I ran out of time), I realized that I hadn't gotten to the second harmful teaching Evangelical christianity pushes on marriages. By harmful, I don't mean, "Ouch, I got a boo-boo," I mean, completely destructive. This teaching is being referred to as the "obligation sex message." 

It's a grotesque twisting of 1 Corinthians 7:4-5, "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

In this teaching, the wife becomes totally ignored as a mutual partner, and completely subjugated into a sex object for "his release" (to quote "Love & Respect," a best selling Christian marriage book.) 

There are so many toxic aspects to this teaching. The first being frankly, that the woman is viewed as a sex object. Her purpose is to give her husband sex, anytime he asks, every time he asks, and if he doesn't ask, is supposed to offer herself up at a minimum of every 72 hours. It doesn't matter if she's sick, pregnant, on her period, or post-partum, she better be ready and willing to do whatever he wants to. 

The second toxic aspect,  is how this portrays men. They can't control themselves. They need sex. If they don't get sex, they will turn to pornography, extramarital affairs. Modesty/purity teaching is tied up in this too: men can't control themselves. That's why we have to carefully police what middle school girls are wearing, so the grown men won't lose control and lust after them. 

Free reminder, middle school girls are aged 11 - 13. Grown men. Lusting after 11-13 year olds. The problem clearly must be what the girls are wearing. After all, the men can't help themselves. They're men! They're "visually stimulated."

I must confess, as a demisexual, I struggle to understand what visually stimulated means, since I don't experience sexual attraction outside of the context of Jordan. But my allosexual friends assure me:

1) Women and gender fluid humans are visually stimulated too

2) Attraction/noticing is not lust. Lust is an act of the will. 

By repeating that men can't control themselves, that men need sex, we remove all responsibility from the men to be self-controlled human beings (which is a fruit of the spirit, but obvs, that's for women only), we place the burden of controlling their sexuality and sexual PREDATION on women and girls. 

This is sick. It's disgusting. And it's promoted by Focus on the Family. 

The books they promote - especially Love & Respect- lay out the foundation for this teaching. They've been called on it. They don't care. Because it's Scripture, right? 

Well, no. If you go back to 1 Corinthians 7, it very clearly is talking about the man AND the woman. Mutuality. And NOWHERE in the Bible does it say that men can't control themselves. Most of the teachings FOR Christians are ABOUT being self-controlled. Jesus said if men can't keep from lusting, they should gouge out their eyes, not police the clothes of middle school children (or anyone else for that matter).

The consequences of this teaching are huge. Vaginismus, sexual disfunction in women, is SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER in evangelical teachings, and it's because of this teaching. 

Of course, even though vaginismus makes penetrative sex extremely painful, or even impossible, that won't matter, because the man NEEDS sex. 

This teaching also makes marital rape an impossibility, because the man has rights to his wife's body, and to sex, at all times. It can't be rape, it's his right. 

I remember being terrified of sex when I was younger, because I had been taught all of these things. 

To be a good Christian wife, I was not allowed to say "no."
My husband would be unable to control himself about or during sex. (As a rape survivor, this was terrifying.) 
Sex feeling good for me, was not even on my radar; it would be all about my husband, who needed it. 

Even now, married to Jordan, who is the kindest, gentlest human in the world, and who has been healed so much of my sexual trauma with his tenderness, self-control, and care for me, these things still come up! I sometimes feel like I can't be kissing and making out with him, if I can't go "all the way" that night. Or that I need to push through when I'm experiencing a fibro flare. 

This teaching harms marriages. It harms women. It harms men. It destroys families. It promotes sexual exploitation, sexual abuse, and sexual predation, pedophilia. 

And it's promoted as "godly." The way God designed things. 

If God designed things this way, God is a monster. 

Obviously, I don't believe God did now, but it took a long time to separate that out. 

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